26 Apr 2017

What Do You Really Want?

I want to cry! I really do. I am forty odd years old and I have yet to find my calling in life. I don’t know what I want, what I need, where I have to go or what I wish to be.

What Do You Really Want?

There are days when I want to go back to being a scientist. Some days, I want to make it as an author or change tack and be a medical writer. Then there are days when I have visions of owning my own business. I am so inconsistent with my goals, my dreams, my passion, that I have no idea where to begin, what to do to, or where to go with any of this.


I have these ambitious dreams of doing something worthwhile with my time. And then there are these other times when I just can’t be bothered. Is this a sign of depression, of some underlying physical ailment? Or is it just me being utterly lost, confused, indolent? I do not know. It is something that has not changed since my formative years. Age should have brought clarity; it has not.

One thing I do know. I have the potential to do reasonably well with any choice I make, once that choice is made. I know I can put in the effort. What I am struggling with is where to direct that effort, towards what end.

Something needs to change and it needs to change now. What is the point of wafting through life, one day at a time, with nothing to show for it?

Then again, I do have something to show for my time. I have this blog. It is as rambling as the thoughts in my head, with no sense of direction and no real purpose. But it is mine. It is there for me when I need it. It brought me focus in those early, tumultuous parenting years. It is now a space to voice my thoughts, opinions and concerns and to hone my writing. 

Perhaps I should channel my energies into growing my blog and making it big as a blogger. That is a possibility, so long as I stop being so irregularly regular!

By the way, when I say big, it only means that which allows me to lead an independent life on my own terms. I am not dreaming of posh cars and luxury holidays here. That, if it happens, will be a bonus.

Seems like there is only one answer to the question, "What do I really want?" I made a choice to be a stay-at-home mother to my son. I stand by that choice. Everything else that I dream of will have to revolve around this vital decision. That much is clear.  What I really want is to think of practical ways of making a living to accommodate my decision. That done, it will be time to realise my true potential.



mumturnedmom

6 comments:

  1. I really empathise with this post - a lot of what you write resonates with me. You write very well though, so I suggest you carry on doing that!

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    Replies
    1. That is very kind of you to say. I guess I will! x

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  2. I can totally understand your feelings in this post, I have felt like this for a long time too. I've also chosen jobs to fit around the kids....to make sure that someone is always home when they need me. I think what you are doing for your son is an achievement in itself, the rest will come, I'm sure :-) #ShareFriday

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  3. I can totally empathise with you. I often wonder how my life would be different if I retrained or whether I should just concentrate on working part time and raising the family. I think when you have small children you tend to assess your life more and think about the what ifs. x

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  4. Oh, it's like you've read my mind! I'm really struggling with this at the moment too. Hopefully we can both find the thing that lets us reach our full potential. Thank you so much for sharing with #ThePrompt x

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  5. Oh Vai, I can totally relate. I'm 40 years old and still don't know what to do when I grow up. Maybe I'll never figure it out. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Be happy, that's the best ambition I think.

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